


Prank Backfire

by lovelygallows



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Babies, Chaos Ensues, Crack, Foreign Language, Gen, Gift Fic, Humor, Inspired by Fanart, Loki is a babysitter, Lots of Babies, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Swearing, a.k.a. Samuel L. Jackson, because Nick Fury, fortunately with translations, misuse of weapons, prank involving babies, so is Tony, the F-bomb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-05 23:40:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13398735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelygallows/pseuds/lovelygallows
Summary: For once, the God of Mischief isn’t the one playing tricks.





	Prank Backfire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Antonia528491](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antonia528491/gifts).



> This was written as a gift fic for Antonia528491 three years ago. This year, I thought, why not post it for real?  
> I only tweaked a few things here and there, but mostly left it as it is, because HOLY SHIT THE THROWBACK.
> 
> Inspired by this adorable piece of fanart:  
> http://asgardian-poledance.tumblr.com/post/84060944185

“Мы под атакой!”

Loki wonders if he has wrongly stepped into a nursery… and a Russian one, at that. Or a battlefield. Seems pretty much like the same thing at the moment.

He has just returned to Avengers Tower, only to be met with a great deal of commotion, even more than usual.

And there are children.

_Everywhere._

As he navigates around the debris strewn across the floor, trying not to step on any broken glass, he is assailed by two toddlers clad in leather.

Right. Battlefield it is then. With babies.

Two of whom look suspiciously like two certain special agents…

“Romanov?” Loki addresses the girl with flaming red hair, who babbles in Russian in reply.

He then peers at the other child. Sure enough, he can just make out Barton’s hawk-like eyes in the boyish face.

The raucous cawing doesn’t quite fit his usual brooding manner though.

“Both of you,” Loki orders, with as much authority as one could muster when talking to children who don’t seem to even understand language. “Off. Now.”

When they refuse to budge, he tackles them both, one in each arm.

Then he sees Tony, who is sitting cross-legged on the floor, an oasis of peace amidst the chaos, with his laptop propped up on one knee.

And who happens to be the only other adult-sized person in the room.

Loki slowly makes his way towards him.

“Stark. Explain,” he demands curtly.

“Prank backfire. I’m working on it,” Tony answers just as concisely.

He is holding a blond boy, who must be Steve, in his lap. A dark-haired boy, who could only be Bruce, is leaning against his left shoulder.

“You’ve been meddling with magic again,” Loki chides. There’s no other explanation for this phenomenon.

“It’s not magic, it’s science,” Tony scoffs. There will be no end to their debate about the two terms. Honestly, it really is the same thing.

“What exactly were you trying to accomplish?” Loki inquires.

“It’s supposed to get the Avengers to succumb to their secret desires, the ones that have been repressed into the unconscious since childhood.”

“So that they would be compelled to do embarrassing things?”

“Well yeah, but I didn’t count on the fact that it’s only when you’re a child that your desires are completely uninhibited.” Tony rubs his face tiredly. “Now keep an eye on the kids before they cause any trouble.”

“Any _more_ trouble, you mean,” Loki turns about slowly, taking in the half-demolished room.

Then he feels something tug at his trousers, and looks down, right into the guileless blue eyes of Thor.

“Looookii!!” baby Thor cries happily, throwing his arms around Loki’s leg and beaming up at him.

Loki’s heart almost aches at his brother’s open display of affection, even more sincere than when he was an adult, if such a thing is possible.

And Thor’s voice, though not deep as thunder like his adult voice, is still boisterous and merry. And _very_ loud.

“Why is it that I get the noisy ones?” Loki asks as he releases a babbling Natasha and a cawing Clint.

Tony snorts. “Noisy? Steve has been yelling ‘God bless America’ at the top of his lungs for the past two hours, and you’re complaining about noise?” He ruffles Steve’s hair lightly. “That’s why he’s so tired now, he’s worn himself out.”

Ever the patriot, Loki thinks as he watches baby Steve napping peacefully, slightly drooling on Tony’s arm, where his head rests.

“And besides, Nat and Clint only activated assault mode when you came in.”

“Let me guess, they were the epitome of angelic innocence,” Loki offers wryly.

“Not exactly angel-like. More like quietly brooding, plotting, scheming… whatever it is that they usually do.”

“Caw, caw!” baby Clint nods in agreement.

“Does this prank of yours involve regressing into animality?”

“No, only removing inhibition of desires.”

“Animalistic desires, you mean,” Loki quips, watching Clint hop around, as if he would sprout wings any moment and fly away like the hawk that he is.

Tony shrugs. “Anyway, you’re the perfect pretend-enemy. They’ve always had a grudge against you.”

“Well, thank you very much," Loki replies. “I do not object, as long as it _stays_ ‘pretend.’”

Out of the corner of his eye, Loki glimpses Thor wielding a miniature Mjölnir, raising it high over his head, about to bring it down on a glass table…

“Thor, no no no don’t—”

Too late. The glass shatters into a million pieces.

“Thor, give it here,” Loki commands, bending down.

After some coaxing and much pouting (on Thor’s part), Thor reluctantly hands over the little hammer.

“At least he still listens to you,” Tony observes.

Loki tries to hold the blunt instrument, but it sinks right to the ground, and stays there.

“Huh,” Loki huffs. “Still the only person worthy enough, I see.”

“You might wanna be careful about _their_ weapons though,” Tony advises, gesturing towards the two kids who are once again determinedly scaling their way up Loki’s side. “I’ve already confiscated Fury’s guns and the Cap’s shield, but I have no idea where the assassins have stashed their secret weapons,” Tony throws a glance at Natasha, who returns it with a most innocent look that Loki knows is anything but. “And you know how many of those they’ve got.”

“No, actually we _don’t_ know how many secret weapons they’ve got, that’s precisely the point of them being ‘secret.’” Loki eyes them warily, trying to pry them off. They hold fast.

“At least Bruce here is not dangerous… yet.”

“Don’t agitate him,” Loki warns. “I do _not_ want to see a baby Hulk smashing our headquarters. Or what’s left of it, anyway.” Or pound Loki into the ground, again. He wonders if the Hulk still could, child that he is. And imagine being called a puny god by a child!

“I thought you liked tricks,” Tony remarks. “You know, chaos and all.”

“I do relish chaos, as long as it is not occurring in my living quarters.”

“Touché.” Tony turns his attention back to his computer screen.

Loki sighs. For once, he isn’t the one playing tricks. He’s not sure how he should feel about that. But still, it wouldn’t be the first time that people blamed everything on the God of Mischief. And Fury would definitely try to pin this on him.

Speaking of…

Where _is_ Fury?

“You mentioned you confiscated Fury’s guns…”

Then he sees him. In a corner, flailing on the floor, waving his tiny fists. And swearing. With all the fury worthy of his name.

“Yup,” Tony confirms. “And he’s still pissed about it.”

“Y’all motherfuckers don’t know nothing!” baby Fury screams.

“Well, maybe you should have let him keep them,” Loki suggests. “He might have been sensible enough not to brandish firearms.” At least he wouldn’t be throwing a tantrum now.

“Nope, he would have found any excuse to shoot me. Removal of inhibitions, remember? And besides, he’ll definitely want to shoot me now.”

Fury swears again.

“Believe it or not,” Tony lowers his voice. “He was real quiet at first. Not a word. But then he discovered the word ‘motherfucker.’ Apparently it helps him overcome his stutter.”

“Stutter? Him? Must have been a sight,” Loki muses.

Then an idea hits him.

“Do you have your cell phone with you, by any chance?”

Tony narrows his eyes suspiciously. “What for?”

“Oh, just to take pictures. The children are absolutely adorable, are they not?”

“Adorable is the last thing I would say about them right now. And I know what you’re up to. You’re gonna blackmail them when they get back to normal. So no, I _don’t_ have my cell phone with me.”

“ _If_ they get back to normal,” Loki smiles, though slightly disappointed that Tony foiled his plans so quickly. One does not often find the Avengers in such a compromising situation.

“This actually reminds me of a certain shrinking spell I’ve seen before.”

Tony looks up from his laptop. “And does this spell happen to have a counter-spell of some kind?”

“Why Mr. Stark, I wouldn’t know a thing about _science_ , now would I?”

Tony shoots him a glare that would have ordinary people fearing for their lives. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“Oh, not in the slightest,” Loki assures him, trying to suppress a grin but failing spectacularly.

“If there weren’t enough babies here already, I’d…”

“That equation’s wrong,” baby Bruce pipes up, jabbing a tiny finger at Tony’s computer screen.

“Shut up, Bruce.” Tony types furiously, with renewed vigor.

“Быстрый, Клинт, атака!”

An arrow pokes Loki in the eye.

“Oww…” he mutters, his smirk wiped from his face.

He turns his head to see Clint perching on his shoulder, holding a bow and looking very pleased with himself.

“Hel and all her hounds, this means war,” Loki declares as he snatches Clint up by the ankles and dangles him upside down.

“I applaud your taste for pranks, Stark,” Loki remarks, just as baby Natasha whips a gun out of nowhere. “But next time, would you mind thinking your plans through before you attempt anything?”

“There won’t _be_ a next time.” Tony answers darkly as he evacuates from the warzone with Steve and Bruce in his arms.

“Oh, I have no doubt about that,” Loki laughs while dodging bullets. “No doubt at all.”

  

**Author's Note:**

> Russian translations:  
> Мы под атакой! – We’re under attack!  
> Быстрый, Клинт, атака! – Quick, Clint, attack!  
> Or so Google Translate says. I have no better reference, so.
> 
> Back when I wrote this, I thought of Loki as very much a member of the Avengers. Imagine all the fun they’ll have. Or the fun he’ll have, anyway.


End file.
